Imagine you are sitting with your friends, one of whom is in a particularly snarky mood. He targets you for one of those acidic zingers that can dissolve even the strongest defenses of self confidence. You feel upset, but after about 6-8 hours, or possibly longer (depending on how long you can survive the company of repeated jokes and nervous laughters) you feel that there was something you could have said... Something that would have been the perfect response to that remark. "If only I had thought of it at the time and uttered it at that moment, the day would have turned out so much better".
And indeed, there is a strong chance that, for many victims of a witty remark, a timely response can not only save the day, but also save their self confidence. However, with this blog, I'm trying to explore another angle to this emotion of "feeling less" due to a lack of spontaneous witty comebacks. This is the premise from which I want to explore the idea of self confidence, self hatred and what we can do, how we can see that these thoughts aren't really worth their residence in your head.
Human body is macroscopic, just like a table, a hat, a rabbit and a deck of cards with 52 jokers - whether or not the disappointment attached to the purchase of such a deck is macroscopic or not, is none of our concern, at the time.
The body may be macroscopic but the thoughts are as fluid and as microscopic as your brain wants them to be - or rather, as microscopic as you tell your brain to magnify. A thought, the thought behind that thought, the incident which triggered the preceding thought, the background/childhood that encouraged one to interpret the incident in a way that allows that triggering preceding thought to find its way into the brain - EVERYTHING can be magnified as large as possible, when, ultimately there's nothing but a set of probabilities left. And aren't we all a bunch of probabilities?
Maybe I am getting ahead of myself here. We will hold off the statistics afficianados from jizzing their pants just a little longer.
In the situation that we mentioned in the beginning, our brain forces us to see only two options - the loser way of staying silent, the winner way of being outspoken. However, that's rarely the case, isn't it? Human interaction, especially in a social setting (3 or more people) is one of the most complex things that we indulge in. Therefore, to conserve our energy, our brain just shows us the two possibilities so that we can quickly label ourselves 'loser' and move on. However, with a little bit of awareness we can see that a world of probabilities surrounding that small event - you could hurt them irreparably with your words which could result in a most dramatic fight or you could have cried which would give the highest pleasure to the friendly bully or you could have assaulted them which might have provided you with short term relief but with dire consequences and many many other possibilities that we fail to entertain because our brain is in a hurry to label us "loser."
At the age of 80 looking back at your life or at the age of 27 looking forward to the life to be lived - in both scenarios probability plays a crucial role. In many ways, human memory is like an element in the quantum state - unless you document your life strictly, it doesn't matter what you actually did when you were 35 at the age of 80. Just like the wave function breaks down at the moment of observation, so does the power of probabilities in the life we have LIVED, i.e. looking back at the age of 80. Without that, actual events don't matter as long as you are who you want to be in your head. And THAT is the power of probabilities that I want to utilise, in order to fight this urge of my brain to label me a loser.
When I think of a witty response to a snarky comment after 8 hours, I can either look at it as the "me thinking of this response now isn't the real me, and the real me is the me I show to the outside world" and continue feeling down about not being as spontaneous as the others, or...
Or
I can observe, clearly, that it's all me. The one with the response, the one without the response, the one who planned a task better, the one who didn't, the one who slept at 10pm, the one who didn't... Our choices define who we are, and those choices aren't restricted to how we act in groups, or in front of anyone. If I can act the way I want to towards myself, even if it is something that I'm uncomfortable doing in public, there's no reason to call myself a loser and sit with it thinking that's an absolute. In fact, I can look at the dormant me (i.e. who thought of the response, who planned better, who slept on time) as much a "ME" as is the silent, unplanned and insomniac "ME". Currently, the latter has kinetic energy and the former has potential energy... Sooner or later, in life, as in the entire universe, this energy will transform from kinetic to potential and vice versa. So the aim is not to develop a new skill from scratch... The aim is to convert the potential energy of RIGHT thoughts into the kinetic energy of RIGHT actions in order to lead the life I think I want to live, right now.
The longer hours you've been awake (potential energy), the better is the relaxation extracted from your sleep (kinetic energy)
The higher and longer the pendulum (potential energy), the larger is it's arc (kinetic energy)
Potential energy is as important as kinetic energy.
Coming back to the statistics afficianados who are, weirdly enough, relying on my blog to provide them with the right kind of pleasure (I really need to start charging for this, don't you think?), Life is nothing more than a game of chance - you live, you die, you laugh, you cry, you make it big, you crash hard, you miss out on your career or family or self actualization .. there will always be things that you miss out on, but the things that we truly want are within us, waiting to be unleashed... "Unleash the potential" they say, because it's all there. It just needs a push, a bit of unleashing. Throw that leash away, brother/sister!
The more times you think up a better comeback, the higher the chances of you timing the responses well.
Maybe an illustration might make it clearer
I have always been extremely scared of public speaking. But it has also always intrigued me, to the point that I absolutely HATED myself, considered myself worthless because I am unable to speak effectively in public or in a charismatic way that would attract the attention of my audience and give larger meaning to my words. However, the moment I close my eyes and force myself to give a speech (even if it is in my head), I get one step closer to my aim.
And consequently, I've started seeing dreams as a useful tool in bringing me one step closer to becoming a better speaker. This has reduced my anxiety around public speaking significantly.
There is power in visualisation - both good and bad. All we are trying to do here is use that power of visualization to harness the right kind of energy which helps us move forward in life - towards our goals.
The problem is, when I DO NOT see the dreams (continuing the example) as a step towards improving, I end up feeling worthless, which makes me feel like my efforts have no meaning, which makes me incredibly complacent and lazy.
This changed for the better since I started looking at my choices as probabilities, the recessive probabilities as sources of potential energy and that potential energy as my guide towards the next step in life.
Therefore, to answer the question in the title - Who am I? I am the sum total of all the probabilities, all the choices that I have made and I have WANTED TO MAKE, but didn't.. the latter part is equally important from the individual's perspective.
It has worked for me, I hope it works for you too. And if it does, you know whom to thank.
Lovely read. Thanks!
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